My private driving instructor.

I used to blame myself for being a late bloomer and not achieving much. Nothing I achieved was ever enough to make me feel like I could have done better.

After deferring my degree course  for a few semesters, I’m finally at it again. I’m happy with the course I took and I’m enjoying my education. (What was I thinking when I initially enrolled to do my degree in Economics and Finance?) I have the attention span of a 3 year old and who the hell cares about the finance industry? I remember my essential writing skills lecturer telling us that at the tertiary level, it’s no more about studying. It’s about expanding your knowledge. That was one of the best advice I’ve received in the longest time.

Most of my friends are married. Heck! Some even have children. I’m 29, happily in a relationship for the last 8 months. My boyfriend’s parents have never met me but they HATE me. That’s another story for another time.

One of the things that we have to get in your 20s, is your driving license. In Singapore, cars cost as much as $50,000. For a ridiculously tiny island, everything is so bloody expensive. The worse part is that the government invites rich expats to live in this country and squeeze in with.

Anyways…….I finally told myself I will get a driving license this year. I joined a school (SSDC) and paid a few hundred dollars. It was near impossible to get a slot of my schedule. Classes were bloody expensive and instructors weren’t that fantastic. I contemplated on switching to take private lessons instead. Most of my friends were against it. They advised me to stick school because passing rate was better and they compared it to the whole thoery of taking your O’levels as a private and a school candidate.

WHAT THE HELL?

I scoffed when I heard such comments. Typical Stupid Singaporean Kiasu Attitude!

1. If you know how to drive and you don’t break any rules during your driving exam, there is no way in hell you will fail.

2. If you can’t drive, you will FAIL.

Anyways, somehow, my motivation wained and I gave up. Manual geared cars are f***ed up! I never got the techniques right and my feet ached all the time. I hated driving lessons and eventually gave up.

After a few months of doing nothing at all, I decided to take driving licence again. But this time it was AUTO car! Driving an auto car is a breeze. I’ve been having fun.  My instructor has been very encouraging and if I don’t panic and shiver during my Traffic Police exam, I should be able to pass. Heck! I will pass! I need to achieve this!

distraction

Someday, I hope to drive up to Malaysia or Thailand and feel in control. I will I will I will pass! 

Wish me luck!

My Rape Story.

Yes, I was raped from the age of 5. it was my maternal cousin. It occurred every time he came over to spend time and baby sit me. I don’t remember much details of the rape but I didn’t cry or feel violated, then. In fact, I believe after the 3rd of the 4th incident, I liked it.

The rape continued to take place even after my parents shifted house. This time it was a bigger place. He came over to stay with us. I shall name him A. A was a good looking guy. He was in the midst of waiting to enlist into national service. I was a young girl in primary school. We had plenty of spare time together. It wasn’t all about sex then. He behaved like an elderly cousin at times. We used to cycle and go fishing. He was good at sports. Badminton was a daily sport. I miss my childhood. Don’t we all? It’s an irony. People expect children who have been raped to be perpetually depressed and to grow up as sick individuals who have  no direction and motivation in life. I don’t understand how people who have never experienced any such things in life can judge. Not many people know of my rape. No one has ever suspected that my childhood was different. In fact, I feel completely normal.

Of course, I wish I was a virgin for a much longer time in life. Nothing can be more mean then to shove your prick into a young girl and rip her of innocence. But, that doesn’t mean that young girl has to keep blaming herself and hurting herself and others around her for the ugly and rude actions of perverts.

I love sex. Sometimes I feel I love it more then others. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not promiscuous. I love the pleasures of sex with partners that I am comfortable with. These are people I know and I prefer them to be my lovers.

I don’t want this blog to be full or angst and about my rape stories from my childhood. But, I definitely would share more.

Why are people selfish?

Everyone abhors selfish people. But I believe it’s an innate nature in humans and some of us are able to suppress it better then others. How do you react when people you consider are your friends act selfishly towards you?

1. Get mad pissed and start a blog? Lol!

2. Scream and throw a fuss that  you are pissed? It doesn’t work. Selfish people will always be selfish and trying to reason or explain their actions is not necessarily going to work.

3. stop being friends with them? – They are selfish….but that doesn’t mean they are evil.

Strangely, I’ve noticed how selfish people are loved and accepted. So, do you believe that because their loved ones are able to tolerate  and adapt to their characteristics, they are actually nurturing the selfishness instead of suppressing it?

If a boyfriend tells his girlfriend that she is out rightly selfish with her thoughts and actions, do you think she would actually watch her actions in future and consider a task before she does? Or, would that not work and eventually they would break up?

I’m not a psychologist but I strongly believe that we should not condone it if someone decides to be selfish. We need to tell them, explain to them and let them know that their action is wrong. 

How would one change themselves if you don’t tell them?